Why Naming These Patterns Matters
When something feels wrong in a relationship but you can't quite describe it, finding the right words can be genuinely clarifying — even relieving. Terms like gaslighting and love-bombing have moved from clinical and academic settings into everyday conversation because they help people articulate experiences that were previously hard to explain.
This reference guide defines the most commonly used terms for harmful relationship behaviour in plain, accessible language. Understanding what these patterns look like — and how they can affect you — is not about labeling people. It's about helping you make sense of your own experiences.
For a broader look at what psychologists mean by these dynamics overall, see what makes a relationship toxic.
| Who experiences these patterns | People of all genders, ages, and backgrounds (National Domestic Violence Hotline research overview) |
| Common relationship types affected | Romantic, familial, platonic, professional |
| Coercive control legal recognition | Recognized as abuse in multiple US states (State domestic violence statutes, as of 2024) |
| Trauma bonding | A psychological response, not a character flaw (American Psychological Association) |
| Help available | National DV Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (thehotline.org) |
Key Terms Defined
The following definitions reflect commonly understood clinical and psychological usage. These behaviours can appear in romantic relationships, friendships, family systems, and workplaces.
Gaslighting
A form of psychological manipulation in which someone causes another person to question their own memory, perception, or sanity. Common tactics include flatly denying events that happened, trivializing someone's feelings, or insisting their account of events is wrong. Over time, this can seriously erode a person's self-trust.
Love-Bombing
An overwhelming flood of affection, attention, flattery, or gifts — typically early in a relationship — that feels exciting but serves to create rapid emotional dependency. It often precedes controlling or manipulative behaviour once that attachment is established.
Coercive Control
A pattern of behaviour used to dominate, isolate, or regulate another person's daily life. It can include monitoring someone's movements, controlling finances, limiting contact with friends or family, and using threats. Coercive control is recognized as a form of domestic abuse in many US states.
Stonewalling
Shutting down communication by withdrawing, refusing to engage, or giving the silent treatment — often during conflict. While people sometimes need breaks from heated discussions, stonewalling as a habitual pattern prevents issues from being addressed and can leave the other person feeling helpless.
Triangulation
Bringing a third person into a two-person dynamic to create jealousy, insecurity, or competition. This might look like repeatedly comparing a partner to an ex, or using a mutual friend to relay messages and grievances rather than communicating directly.
Trauma Bonding
A strong emotional attachment that can form between a person and someone who harms them, particularly when the relationship cycles between cruelty and affection. This bond is a recognized psychological response — not a personal failing — and can make it very difficult to leave harmful relationships.
DARVO
An acronym standing for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It describes a pattern in which someone confronted about harmful behaviour denies it, attacks the person raising the concern, and repositions themselves as the real victim. This term comes from the work of clinical psychologist Jennifer Freyd.
Intermittent Reinforcement
An unpredictable pattern of reward and withdrawal that keeps a person persistently trying to earn approval or affection. In relationship contexts, it often involves alternating warmth and coldness in ways that are hard to predict, which can strengthen rather than weaken emotional attachment.
Harmful family patterns absorbed early in life can shape how we experience these dynamics as adults. If some of these terms feel familiar in a family context, our guide on unhealthy family patterns that follow you into adulthood may offer useful context.
How These Patterns Show Up Together
Harmful relationship dynamics rarely appear in isolation. Love-bombing often precedes coercive control — the intense affection creates emotional dependency that makes later manipulation harder to resist or leave. Gaslighting frequently accompanies stonewalling, making the person on the receiving end both confused about reality and cut off from resolving that confusion.
These Patterns Exist on a Spectrum
Not every instance of poor communication is manipulation, and not every difficult relationship is abusive. Context, frequency, and impact all matter when assessing a relationship dynamic. If you're uncertain, speaking with a licensed therapist can help you sort through what you're experiencing without pressure to reach a particular conclusion. Common misconceptions about what counts as harmful are worth examining — our article on myths about toxic relationships that keep people stuck addresses several of them.
Recognising a pattern in your relationship doesn't mean you're required to take any particular action immediately. It does mean you deserve accurate information and, if you choose, support. A self-reflection checklist for toxic relationships can help you think through your specific situation more carefully.
It's also worth knowing that these patterns can follow people into future relationships. Understanding the psychological mechanisms involved — explored in our article on how toxic patterns can follow us into new relationships — can be a meaningful part of healing.
This article is for general informational and educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are concerned about your safety or wellbeing in a relationship, please reach out to a qualified mental health professional or a crisis support service in your area.
